The holidays are upon us. It serves up some happiness but often comes with an extra serving of stress and busy-ness. There are a lot of jokes that go around about this time of year as families come together, each person bringing their own baggage, and I don’t mean suitcases, to the table. There can often be competing
emotions like nostalgia and frustration. It’s like the sunny days of winter. The sun is shining and things look bright, but you can’t seem to get warm. For years, those competing sensations have caused me to want to pull back from family gatherings. I couldn’t reconcile the family’s desire for a hallmark-picture family gathering and the fun of games and good food with the passive-aggressive jokes and comments and people pleasing that went on when we all get together. I would ask myself questions like “what’s wrong with me? Why don’t I enjoy being with my family like everyone else does? Why can’t my family be as happy and positive as everyone else’s?” As the past few years have unfolded though, and I’ve been learning to be in charge of my own internal vibration, I’ve learned some ways to enjoy family holidays no matter how we all show up. So while you’re preparing gifts, treats, sweets, and outings, think about these preparations too:
1. Slow down. Are you reacting to the holidays or are you creating them with intention? Take a cue from my chickens this time of year and rest more. Say no to more parties or cook less if it doesn’t light you up. Spend more time sitting and staring into the fireplace. This week I ripped out all the plants that had died in the first frost and it revealed a lot of empty space in my garden. Sometimes you’ve got to do that with your schedule too. The point is, create some quiet space. This allows you to hear what’s living in your head and how your body is feeling. It will
help you drop your cortisol levels and let go of the tension you’ve been holding.
2. Audit your thoughts during that quiet space. Get them all down on paper. Which ones pull your energy down? Which ones overwhelm you with guilt, anger, frustration, shame, fear, resentment, or disappointment? Are they fact? or are they just a thought? Now.
3. Stop asking “Why me?”. You absolutely must realize that your family has nothing to do you’re your happiness. Your family is not responsible for creating a deep sense of joy in your heart or putting the light on your lampstand. (Matthew 5:14-16) You are responsible for lighting your own lamp. (Matthew 25:1-13) So you have to make the foundational choice. You can continue to live like a child, tossed to and fro by every “you should” or manipulation, or guilt trip (Ephesians 4:14) OR you can take responsibility. You can decide to grow up into the stature of Christ. (Ephesians 4:13, 15) To think and have purpose like Christ. Hebrews 12:2, Luke 9:51, and
John 6:38 all talk about Jesus intentionally setting “his face” and his will. This choice is called Cause vs. Effect. Setting your face to look unto Jesus, your ultimate North Star, your anchor, puts you in position to CAUSE good things to happen. Living in reaction makes you an effect of however others decide to use you. Determining to be in “Cause” rather than “Effect” gives you the grit to do the mental exercise that’s coming next.
4. Reframe your thoughts. Your brain is a muscle, just like every muscle in your body, but if you want to spend your holidays in God’s headspace (Ephesians 4:15) you’ve got to do the exercise necessary to behaving in a way that makes you (and God!) proud. No worries- I’ve got you covered here. I’m SO excited to share with you a space for you to do your mental exercise and re-align with your North Star. I’ve dubbed it my “L.IG.H.T” Journal for the holidays in recognition that just like Jesus, the wise men were guided by a great light and it brought them to the best
place of all- God’s presence. Inside, you’ll find instructions on how to use this tool, and space for you to implement! This journal walks you through the L.I.G.H.T. Acronym for Life event, Interpretation, Gut feeling, Handle, Trajectory. Using this space, you’ll be able to navigate those holiday emotions and the thoughts in your head. This tool provided life changing clarity for me, and I know it will help you too.
5. The last part of preparing is also found in the journal because we need reminders often. DECLARE YOUR INTENTION. Life is made up of two things: events, and the meaning you give those events. So if negativity and stress during the holidays means that you have a terrible family, then you are right! But if the holidays mean you have an opportunity to show love to your family, then you will be right! Do you see how this works? So what do you want for this holiday season? The thing to be aware of is that the holidays and being with family tends to pull you backward in time. You go back to the role you played almost as soon as you open the door
and walk in. If you’ve matured, or gotten mentally, spiritually, or physically healthier, a lot of times, that growth stays behind when you go home. So ask yourself- what do you want instead? Declare it. Ephesians 4:17-24.
So now that we’ve talked about the foundational preparation, what can we do when we’re IN IT.
Here’s some practical suggestions for your game plan:
1. Practice pausing. I've heard a full 20 seconds recommended before. Before you get on the airplane. Before you get in the car. Before you get out of the car. Before you walk into the room. Pause. Take a deep breathe and connect to yourself. Notice if there’s internal noise. Set your energy, how YOU want to feel BEFORE walking into the room. Remind yourself that “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” -Dr. Seuss. That you, is one firmly connected to your inner light.
2. Give yourself grace. You are learning a new skill and a new way of being and you are not going to do it perfectly. Just like a baby learning to walk, we don’t beat them up when they fall down or don’t do it perfectly. We show them again, and offer encouraging words. Progress over Perfection.
3. Plan your boundaries. Boundaries- we often don’t really know what that looks like. I’ll tell you: it’s your action plan for keeping your mind safe and healthy. Like, “I will excuse myself to the bathroom every time the conversation turns to politics and I will do some deep breathing and joy visualization.” Or “I will take a mid-day walk every day by myself so I can protect my objectivity.” Or “If the conversation is overwhelmingly negative, I will take myself and my daughter to play somewhere and preserve our joy.”
4. Move your body every day. There is no faster way to get sucked down into the abyss of past identities and the quagmire of competing emotions than to become stagnant. Finding 10 minutes to step away and move your body in a way that feels good that creates space to quiet any noise that has come up, recenter in your purpose, move negative energy out of your body, and get your endorphins to help you set a more positive outlook! Bonus points if you get outside and fill your lungs with fresh air and connect with the non-hubbub of nature. You know what I mean, there’s something so invigorating and refreshing when that cold air washes over your face and it can actually serve to interrupt the firing of old neural pathways.
6. Stop judging and correcting people. I’m guilty of this one. I want so badly for people to do better because I know they can, but how does correcting them make them feel? What does that actually accomplish? I’m not saying to people-please just to keep the peace, but rather understand that hurt people, hurt people. Instead, when their hurt starts to show through gossip, criticism, snark, digs, or negativity, read that as an opportunity to show them love. Give them a spontaneous hug, or a genuine compliment! Brainstorm some ideas that speak their love language and have that at the ready to whip out. When you feel lighter, it helps others feel lighter too.
If you want a happy holiday, it is imperative that you take ownership of your feelings. No one can MAKE you feel a certain way. You decide that. The holidays can be a great opportunity for insight into how you want to live your life, and a challenge to strengthen the muscles you need to actually live it! Find your north star, create your map or action plan, light your lamp and then go forth! (see cover of my LIGHT journal for reference.)
In parting, let Luke 8:16, and 11:33-36 encourage you to set your mind (your eye) to be a light so you can radiate from within. If you catch yourself getting off track a little, just remember to open your LIGHT journal and reset!
Wishing you much love, light, joy, contrast, and opportunity this holiday season.
Joyfully,
Aurie